From North Central Oklahoma Ostomy Outlook May 2006:

Answers You Will Never Hear About Living with an Ostomy

by Peter McGinn, Editor, Portland (ME) The Visitor

Have you ever seen those question and answer articles where people ask the nurse or doctor about life with an ostomy? Well, I can guarantee none of them gave these answers, because I just made them up! Please consult with your therapist and a local comedian before taking any of these seriously:

Q: How will medication affect my ostomy?
A:
Could you be any more vague? The general answer is: adversely. Especially important, your stoma should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment with some painkillers.

Q: Can I still do everything I did before surgery?
A:
You’re trying to trip me up here, aren’t you? What did you do before, rob banks? Than my answer is no. Send me a list of what you did before and I’ll let you know which of them you can do.

Q: What about alcohol?
A:
No thanks, I’m working right now.

Q: What foods can I eat after the surgery?
A:
Who am I, your mother? Eat what you want, just keep your elbows off the table and clean your plate.

Q: Should I exercise after surgery?
A:
Exercise? Who does that anymore? If God had wanted us to exercise, would she have invented plasma televisions, reality programming and remote controls? Get real.

Q: Why did this have to happen to me?
A:
How should I know? This is the column for questions, not complaints. Stop your whining. Just think of it as the ultimate body piercing.

Q: Will spicy foods cause any damage to my stoma?
A:
That depends upon how hard you hit the stoma with it. I would advise against it.

Q: In the past, certain foods gave me digestive trouble. Will they affect me the same way after the surgery?
A:
You’re a little obsessed with food, aren’t you? My crystal ball is being repaired right now. Just eat the darn stuff and see for yourself. Sheesh.

Q: What about sex?
A:
Thanks for the offer, but I hardly know you.


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This page last revised 2006-05-02

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