Have you ever seen those question and answer articles where people ask the nurse or doctor about life with an ostomy? Well, I can guarantee none of them gave these answers, because I just made them up! Please consult with your therapist and a local comedian before taking any of these seriously:
Q: How will medication affect my ostomy?
A: Could you be any more vague? The general answer is: adversely. Especially important, your stoma should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment with some painkillers.
Q: Can I still do everything I did before surgery?
A: You’re trying to trip me up here, aren’t you? What did you do before, rob banks? Than my answer is no. Send me a list of what you did before and I’ll let you know which of them you can do.
Q: What about alcohol?
A: No thanks, I’m working right now.
Q: What foods can I eat after the surgery?
A: Who am I, your mother? Eat what you want, just keep your elbows off the table and clean your plate.
Q: Should I exercise after surgery?
A: Exercise? Who does that anymore? If God had wanted us to exercise, would she have invented plasma televisions, reality programming and remote controls? Get real.
Q: Why did this have to happen to me?
A: How should I know? This is the column for questions, not complaints. Stop your whining. Just think of it as the ultimate body piercing.
Q: Will spicy foods cause any damage to my stoma?
A: That depends upon how hard you hit the stoma with it. I would advise against it.
Q: In the past, certain foods gave me digestive trouble. Will they affect
me the same way after the surgery?
A: You’re a little obsessed with food, aren’t you? My crystal ball is being repaired right now. Just eat the darn stuff and see for yourself. Sheesh.
Q: What about sex?
A: Thanks for the offer, but I hardly know you.
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