Things Not To Do If You're An Ostomate

This is a collection of items compiled from the Internet and many other sources. It is just a reminder that we should not take ourselves too seriously.

• Drop a clip in the toilet. It is a prudent idea to always carry a spare clip.
• Stand up too quickly when the clip is caught on the edge of the toilet seat. Most of us have gotten up too quickly and ended up stopped instantly in mid-air because the clip caught on the inside edge of the toilet seat. The clip will lift the seat and you feel like a fish caught on the end of a line. Quite a bad visual, but we only do it once, or maybe twice; no, we'll make this goof our whole lives and it will surprise us every time. This is especially a problem for a woman. Imagine being at someone's home and dropping the toilet seat loudly just before you leave the bathroom. Everyone just looks and wonders why a woman would be dropping a toilet seat.
• When drying your appliance with a hair dryer, use the cool setting only. Plastic melts!
• Do not have your dog jump on you when your pouch is full. The dog's nails will puncture the pouch.
• Drink Power Ade Mountain Blast or Gatorade Blue Bolt before a doctor visit. It turns your output bright green. This is especially true if you have an ileostomy. All food dye turns your stool the color of the dye, temporarily. It will surprise you the first time it happens. This includes Blue Hawaiians or red beets. Beets make you look like you are bleeding to death.
• For men only: You may want to angle the pouch toward your leg. This warning is especially true if you use a drainable pouch. This will keep the clip away from your private parts. Sorry if this is a wee bit graphic for the faint of heart, but it will make you more comfortable.
• For women only: The clip may bother you also. You have the same option. Also, keep the clip away from a sanitary napkin. If the clip gets caught on the pad's adhesive, the clip could be pulled off.
• Put a cat on your lap. A cat's claw could cause a tear in your pouch. If you sleep with a cat, they sometimes curl up next to it when you sleep to keep warm.
• Beer may blow up your pouch with gas. This may be helpful when you need a flotation device.
• Don't accidentally lean against an oven door, barbecue grill or fireplace. The pouch melts quickly.
• Don't put underarm type deodorants around the pouch or barrier. It is made of either plastic or a latex material and will dissolve it. If you want to use some type of odor control--although modern pouches are odor proof--use mild mouthwash or one of the commercially made products that will not harm your stoma or your pouch. Many chemicals can damage an appliance.